Sammie Undaqround's Unprecedented Brainwork

10 September 2009 @ 09:08 pm

Two Hearts Sewn Together ; Annexed With Diamond Engravings.

You can only love somebody so much.

It's been approximately about 27 weeks since I wrote last.
It's time to breakdown my thoughts.

If there's a way,
to prove how much you love somebody, entirely,
i'd really love to know.

My love for Justin,
has grown so immense.

I feel as though, no matter what I say,
no matter how i feel-
It will NEVER equal up to the way my heart drops -
everytime i hear something as minor as his name.

I don't want to say that having him in my life has made me complete,
because i've learned to accept myself as a COMPLETE INDEPENDENT WHOLE WOMAN.
But it'd be more than legitimate to say, he's made me more than complete.
He's fulfilled me with more support, love, and hope than i ever have maintained, or received in my 16 years.

Everytime i see him I want to grab him, and tell him that he's the only one for me, and i'm the only one for him;
But my novitiate presumption might fool him into thinking i'm too amateur to understand what true love is, because of my 'lack of empiricism'.

I'm afraid to tell him, completely, that i'm so sincere about my decision.
I'm afraid he'd take me as a fool.
For I have never, sedately, passionately, solemnly, considered spending the rest of my life with him-
until now.

I can't entirely explain what i feel for him;
Except that whenever I see his face, my heart starts beating really fast.
My eyes get all watery, and i need to blink slow, so that my eyelids clasp my tears before they roll down my cheeks, that he loves.
I get antsy, and my hands slowly stagger when I go to reach his face, when I kiss him;
& when i kiss him, the whole world freezes; and everything else is blotted out.
& truthfully, i'd rather sacrifice everything i've ever known-
just to be able to kiss his lips everynight before I close my eyes.

Is it so insane, to say we're meant?
To be able to be butt-ass naked in front of one another;
& still, only stair into one anothers eyes;
as if we were fully clothed.

Love is about being vulnerable,
and not fearing it.
Love is about being comfortable inside and outside;
and learning to love why another LOVES YOU more.
Love is the blueprint for happiness.

Love is something, you become.

I Love You Justin.

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28 February 2009 @ 12:28 am

Life is beautiful.

So, i've been going through a lot lately.
Hence, the period of time between entries.

Not necessarily BAD things;'
but, just things that make me think more than i normally do.

It's hard to realize i'm not the only one with problems.
Like, ever notice all the people you walk next to -
The story that they all have to tell;
Odds are they have problems too.

.. I feel like i should delete the entry below this one.
I feel like, i was taking up a space of mush,
that nobody wants to even read.
But then again, this is MY entry.
Whatever.

But let me get on to the main point,
as to why I got on here.

I was reading all these different ... foundations.. and support groups.
& one caught my eye.
It's known as
"To Write Love on Her Arms".

It's a support site/foundation,
For those that are severely depressed-
That they abuse alchohol, drugs, and cut themselves.
Just reading the whole story, of how the site came to be-
& how there are so many supporters, like Ed Hardy donations and things-
It kind of hit me.

I think i'd like to make some kind of movement.
Or share some kind of heart-felt story.
As the daughter of a drug abused decease parent, i think i could really help some people.
I hope that doesn't sound corny.

But moreover,
I was reading the whole 'vision' on the "TWLOHA" website.
Read this synopsis, and tell me it doesn't make your heart drop:

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

- this is a true story.

if we'd all just stop and think we don't have it the worst,
I think we could ALL make a difference.
I don't think i'm asking for much.
Just a little common sense.

-- I'll be back later, guys.

Think about it.

Your not the only one in this world.
--

"It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ
knows when we surrender our broken hearts,
when we trade death for life".

http://www.twloha.com/page.php?id=6

.

Tags: to write love on her arms

Current Mood: hopeful

hopeful

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10 February 2009 @ 09:36 pm

Call 911, I'm having an epiphany.

“You wake up but not really. In the bedroom you grew up in. It's the only place on this entire planet that is yours. The only place on the planet that understands you. It understands the way your nerves flare everytime you think about talking to anyone, scared into shyness at the thought of opening your mouth but the way you are the best hypocrite around when you're in front of a microphone. It knows what turns that switch on and off and on again. It understands the way when you don't have a smile on your face everyone only spits: "what's wrong"s and "you look tired"s. So the way you keep it on your face just wide enough to avoid questions. It understands how neurotic you have become, the way you treat your flaws like old friends. The way you look in the mirror and think of yourself as "Mr. Misery"...”

-Peter Wentz

Brace yourself, for the most unfathomable, & inquisitive.

Let me bring you back to the 'quintessence' if you will:

---
She used to get up, everyday,
Throw on a pair of tight jeans,
& a name-brand 60$ shirt, that didn't even fit;
Threw on a baggy hoodie, and some new kicks to even out the manifest flaws.
Then, after the twenty minute dress up,
& she'd stand in front of the mirror, and critique every bulge, & defect seen.

She'd sit on her bed, every night, and look in the mirror
& see fat.
Hiding underneath spandex shirts, and 2% cotton/spandex Baby Phat jeans,
was a young girl:
naive, credulous, and insecure.
Little did this girl know;
That ahead of her, lay a long path of winding roads, all of which she overcame-
When she FIRST defeated the fear of herself, her image, and her boundaries.

This girl, was me.

I grew up in an old Howard Beach Condo,
with beat up cabinets and peeling pergo oak kitchen flooring.
My small family of three showered in a 5 by 2 tub;
parked in a trivial sized, 8 by 4 bathroom.

I went to school everyday.
Got aberrant grades, considering my Middle School was a mix of idiots and blockheads.
Had no boyfriends - just exceptional grades, and teachers who graded merely on median.
If you were favored, and didn't cause riots, you were given a 90.
I graduated Middle School with a 97.8 overall average.
I was accepted into a specialized highschool in NYC.
Then I moved, before even having first days attendance at an honored highschool.

I moved to Upstate, New York;
Where there was nothing but cows, Abercrombie & Fitch, and dramatics.

A year later, where I stand now,
Has drastically changed far from where I was six-seven years ago.
in the course from 1993-2009 includes:
- My parents divorcing when I was 3.
- The wars between opposing families, where i'd get caught in the middle.
- Being released to my father's current drug abuse at age eight.
- Waking up to a broken home, when my father died from an overdose at age eleven.
- Lists of boyfriend[s] Mom had introduced me too, as a young girl, semi-replacing priorities. I can remember several by heart.
-Moving up to a new home, with no friends, no father, and no ambition at age 14.
- Dealing with minimal friends, rumors, and low confidence.
- Being looked down upon as a delinquent, and copy of my father.
&
- Being emotionally, and physically tortured, between the ages of six to nine by a man who hated my father.

Still,
I find it hard to believe, I turned out the way I am.
Now, almost sixteen,
I'm taking my life, into my own hands.
I used to be the type of person, to sit around and pity myself.
What I didn't have, or what I didn't have enough OF.
Money was never an object in our household, unless it was handed to me.
My family, constantly insulted me on HOW i looked, or WHAT i wore, or how I looked in certain clothing.
Since i was a toddler, I was the "fatass" of my family.

Recently,
I've been bursting with overall confidence.
It finally hit me;
-- I can't sit and wait for the next person to COMPLIMENT the way i look.
I need to realize what I attain is sacred.
It was my OWN, set, image.
& despite the fact i'm not heavily religious -
I believe everyone, was given different attributes for a reason.
God wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle.

-- I've been through a shitload, as you've read & i've explained.
There's not much more to say.
I've tried every release therapy.
Any of my friends, could sit here and tell me i'm gourgous.
I have this pretty face, and that i'm not fat.
But -- what does it matter, if your only going to QUESTION a statement.

For the first time, in my whole life-
Last week, i woke up;
my hair was a TOTAL mess.
My excess eyeliner/mascara that didn't come off in the shower was beneath my eyelids-
and i looked right in that mirror;
with my reflection looking back at me-
and said to myself:
"I'm gourgeous, because I fucking said so."
& that, my friend, - Is how my story unravels.

-- Hence, that quote above by Peter Wentz.
You could sit, in your room, and agonize over your flaws, and what you wish you had.
But it gets to a point, where that mourning, and desperation turns into determination.
You can only have so much of something, before it gets OLD.
--& we all cover up what we don't want people to see.
But do we cover it up, to make ourselves look BETTER?
OF COURSE WE DO!
Because God forbid, anyone should be BETTER than anyone else.

-_-

That's it.
This is by far, my deepest entry.
I'll be back for more, when i can emotionally support it.

Later.

-- Sam.

Tags: my life.

Current Mood:

determined

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02 February 2009 @ 06:43 pm

I call this one, the "important, but unpremeditated" entry.

funny, I never noticed how many times people bitch.
It's kind of funny.
Regardless of the fact I, nor anyone can be half as wise as the elderly;
It cracks me up when people ARGUE, over such crap.
It's simply because your poor mother gave you inherited asshole-ish GENES
which transformed through your body, into your noggin-
which gave you the unstable, wild regression to act & bicker-
when a person conveys that there might be a mere enticement of being wrong.

LMAO - wow. That was stated rather professionally.
-But deadass,
I'm tired of these LAME ASS teenagers
that get pissed off when they're gyno tells they're parents they had sex-
then they go to their friends saying how there's some 'privacy' kind of signed agreement,
that doctor's can't tell your rents' you've fucked.
Then your friends bitch, and say it was fucked up-
when all the nurse did was practically save your life; by telling your parents to discuss STD's and shit with they're young.
DAMN, you decided to have sex - handle the consequence.

Unless of course the sex was worthless.
Wow, hold up-
why did i mention sex?

-_-

Sorry, that was just a random thought.

It's kind of humorous -
i have so much to say but my livejournal's too public for words.
Like, even though it is the live"JOURNAL" - and i should say what's going ON-
everything here is traced, read 5 million times- then usually exaggerated into making me seem like this 'bitch'
that just rambles on about whatever to get page views and popularity.

bleh.

goodbye today, LiveJournal.
Somehow, today - i couldn't get an ounce of what was meant to be said, out.

Except the horny ass teenagers, and their pathetic sex lives.

-- PEACE.

-- oh yeah, Justin and I are officially dating. We made a month - 1/01/09 .
I love him.

-- that in itself is enough to last me till' the next two entries.
But whatev` - get on me on myspizzie - www.myspace.com/sammyrae321

later .

Current Mood:

blank

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19 January 2009 @ 08:39 am

Bonjour, long-lost Live Journal

Damn, haven't been on here in around 10 days.
I kinda miss it.
It's my way of venting;
but today I had to take the family issues out on Justin. lol "/.

Hm, let's see.
What's new?
-- Nothing really.
Still schooling, still writing, still complaining,
& as bizarre and inept sounding as it is for me to say this,
i'm falling for justin.
I'm digging myself in a bottomless hole.
everyday everything just gets BETTER.

-- I can't see any of my days without him anymore.
It's like, everything I ever preached about has come around
in this sexy, amiable, agreeable, genuine, manly figure.
Who i now consider, my husband.

A little quick to assume.
But, i can't even go back on the words i'm writing
because everything came natural.
It's like, what we plan on doing-
our anticipation, and dreams, and overall promises
are coming true.

It suddenly feels like for once,
everything is falling into place.
How things are really
supposed to be.

I still question how I managed to 'hit the jackpot';
but either way, I have him for good.
I'm so relieved that Justin's not the type of person-
I need to worry about going out, and hitting on someone other than me.
I'm so happy that he talks to me, voluntarily, because he MISSES me, and GENUIENLY means it.

What i'd give for him, to keep him in my arms,
in my heart- is so beyond.
I'm beyond, i'm absolutely head over heels for him.

I can't find the right WORDS, even with a thesaurus,
to DEFINE the right way to express what he means.
I can't say I don't love him.
But i can't say i'm IN love with him.

.... But now that we're on the topic.
What is love?
-- I mean, really.
Is it like, the feeling of knowing someones always there;
That security, that a person will never depart.
Or is it caring so much for someone, you'd put your life on the line?
Or is it the butterflies you get when they're around, or near?

.... Because, if thats true.
I might be;...

no i cant' .
m a y b e .
no.
yes.
no.
UGH.

But I hate when it comes down to deciphering this.
It's more like,
"my friend thinks your pussy because you fall for too many guys".
or
"you can't love someone in [x] amount of months."
or
"you don't know what love is, your too young".

Does this "L" word have to do with
age, or opinions, or time?..

It's so fucking confusing.
I don't get it.
AT ALL.

It's like this:
Can you REALLY fall in love with someone,
your just. absolutely crazy about?
[like the ex's?]
Or is it the short amount of time you've been with that person that fears us to tell him/her we love them
[time period]
Maybe it could be the fact your friends think you fall too hard, and you need to stop.
[peer pressure, fear of opinions]

P.S.- everything in [] - brackets, is the CYNICS point of view for it.

Love should overcome any basis of those three topics.
& the reason i mention this, kinda out of the blue-
is because i don't fear ANY of the above when talking to Justin.
I don't fear anybodies opinions, ex's prior, nor time.

I feel that-
there's so much to do, and experience.
So many things to try, and learn about another.
& for ONCE it doesn't need to be rushed.
That me and Justin, have our whole life to do whatever we want ; TOGETHER.
Which often comes up in topics we talk about.
Ya know, future. What planned ahead? Goals and vacations.
Cars & Homes. Kids and sex. well, not the sex part. haha. XD .

-- But .. idk.
I guess im just. a little scatterbrained on the topic.
Or maybe just in the clouds about it...

But i guess i'm going to go.
I'll visit back when my minds a bit clearer . =]

Peace, and lots of hardcore Sex.
-Sammie.

Tags: love, relationships

Current Mood: curious

curious

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05 January 2009 @ 09:51 am

"You can't do anything; your soft"

So,
I didn't want to write until i was free of pain.
& by pain - i mean I got my tongue pierced, and it's swollen- kind of pain.

I originally wanted to be on here and say something like
"piercing my tongue was the coolest.. Because it was SO pain free."

sorry guys, I'm in pain.
I do hope to be back here around Friday or Saturday and say the swelling is near gone.

But as of AHORA-
i'm sucking on ice; awaiting the full heal of my new drilled tongue.

------------

In addition;
I've been overjoyed;
despite the fact school just started and i'm back from break. "/

This kid Justin [yeah, i'm mentioning him for the third time]
He got a hold of me, man.
I adore him so much.
I can't go a half hour without thinkin of him three times.
He's so sweet.
He texts me all day and i love the little things he sais.

How he sais he wants to kiss me with his little innocent voice.
How he sais every 10 mintues he misses me.
& how he can't wait for "US".

i can't wait.
I'm anxious as ever.
He's the ice to my mouth.
The chicken to my quesadilla.
The glow to my smile.
& the toilet paper to my--- .. nevermind.

Nevertheless;
I'm not writing about him because i'm bored.
I'm writing about him because he's all i think about.
The only one i call | txt | miss and dream of.

Every night, i grab my pillow and wish it was his chest.
& Every morning i wake up, i wish it was him biting my ankles. Not my cat.

Wow, that sounded awkward.

Still though, I treasure his being, and him being a part of my life.
His little laugh.
Or when he laughs when i laugh :]

He's adorable -- he's so.... i can't even explain it.
Anything i've ever wanted would be leaving the explanation short of a penny.
He's my everything.
& I will subdue any task to keep him by my side.
In my life ; in my presence.

All mine.

I'm out my fellow fucks[:

Catch me on the MySpizzle. [myspace.com/sammyrae321]

Deuce.

Tags: justin

Current Mood: happy

happy

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28 December 2008 @ 12:52 am

Alledgedly, allegiance.

So, I've been going through a few things.
Well. One thing really. & i don't know how to start, or touch base with it.
But I guess I just need to write, and it'll come naturally. hopefully.

So, Sammy & I -
[As below]
Didn't work.
& if your reading this Sammy.-
You we're a sweet guy.
But you never put in your two cents.
& i tried everything, SHIT -
I even technically gave you a full entry before.
I wish some kind of emotion could've showed.
But I can't sit here and pend if your for me.
Life moves at a rapid pace; i'm not the type to wait.

But, enough.
I don't need another entry to be written about something that's not meant.
-- There's. Not someone new.
I'd say, a new me. Hypothetically speaking.

If you guys haven't ever met someone that acts just like you.
If you havent felt what it's like to share identical thoughts, or ideas.
You're missing out.

Especially, if that person is of the opposite sex.
:D
-- There's no way to put it.
& i hate saying it's someone new.
Because if you assume I jump from guy to guy;
That's a false statement

-- There's this guy ; Justin.
& Justin is me.
Justin isn't my conscience.
He's my equal.
Of different age, and of different descent - & if you ask him [skin color].
But he's still a white puertorican.

This man is proving nothing but solemn dedication.
not even dedication ; thats underestimating.
I'd say; he shows a passion for making what he wants his.
& it gets me; because when i first saw him.
My jaw dropped ; but i kept my cool.

But he didn't hit me up because of the physical - even though he compliments me all the time :)
-He hit me up because of my insights.
& Actually - the morality of these entries.
--& MOREEEEOVER -- i wrote about him before.
When he honored the way I spoke, and how i had that little quote I wrote beforehand:

"& to be quite FRANK about shit --
i don't need to answer any of your messages to get a days-worth of compliments.
my hope&dream is that one day i won't be LONELY.
& if one of you, out of the many fakes.
could EVER change that - i'll be greatful.
realtalk. "

I can't even talk about how he talks & treats me.
He gets worried when im not wearing a winter coat.
He gets mad that nobodies on they're hands&feet feeding me when im hungry.
Do you know what it feels like to be honored, and treated like a princess?

... Over these past few weeks;
he's proved to be not only one of the few real.
But one of the few that keeps me from being lonely.
& for that i'll be eternally greatful.

My little Boxer;

My 5'8 studmuffin.

I have so much admiration for you.

"God must've spent a little extra time on you babyboy"
-- your anything & everything i've ever wanted.

*& i vow to be one with you.
- Always & forever. [ S & J ] -- **/**/****

Words From Him*:
I find myself coming on-- just to look at you sammie...
Just to re-read what captivated me in the first place...

I remember coming here, just wanting to talk to you.

and now here I am... anxious... with the intention of maybe loving you...

I cant help but wonder... and let my imagination run wild...
of our first kiss... our first hug, our first anything and everything...

I cant help but wonder... what our first argument will be, how it would kill me to see u cry...
how i would hold u and tell u it will be okayy...

Wonder... what our first christmas will be like together... birthdays... and anniversaries... dinners and night outs...
sweetheart rings and charms with our initials... "S&J"

I dont wanna write too much. i wouldnt want things to get repetitive...
but, im so feeelin you..

I Miss You.

*Sammie and Justin* ?/?/09

<3
-& i once told you, my love.
Even if you treated me wrong.
I could never hate you.
What's left to experience - is something worth ones life.
and what gets me the most is that
"this is only the tip of the iceburg"
right babe?

Tags: adoration, new

Current Mood: loved

loved

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24 December 2008 @ 07:09 pm

"Santa's Not Coming To Brownsville to Visit Those Ho Ho Ho's"

So, I've been exceptionally engrossed in finishing up school work,
& getting ready for fatty to come down my chimney.

I can't believe it,
Christmas Eve 08' already.
It seems like almost yesterday I was sitting at this exact computer,
in Richmond Hill Queens last year, MySpacing - waiting for the clock to hit 12'
So i could open presents.

But this year, - this year it's different.
I really don't care about the gifts, or money, cards and holly. -- HAHA ! That rhymed.
I'm pretty phsyced to see my family.
Which doesn't normally "phase" me all that much.

I guess being I live far from my original home,
EVENTUALLY gets to me, sometimes.
NYC is really where I belong.
& it's not because of what I wear, or how I act.
It's simply the fact - everything, even the big black guys that follow me everywhere
Have a place in my heart.

If it's not about New Park Pizza in Richmond Hill Queens, your not about shit.
If it's not about seeing the tree in Rockerfeller center - your blind.
If it's not about riding the Cyclone in Brooklyn near Brighton Beach - you must not know original.
If it's not about sightseeing your way across the Staten Island Ferry - you either get seasick, or just missing out [because your wack].

----------------------------

But aside from that,
I miss the tree,
and the smell of pumpkin pie,
& the excitement of Christmas Morning-
and most importantly
my great grandma burping at the table & she can't hear it because she has hearing aids. (:

-- there isn't any home, like home.
If that makes sense.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Tags: christmas

Current Mood:

jubilant

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15 December 2008 @ 07:30 am

Internally dead. - R.i.p.

I don't even know where to start my entry today, guys.
It's 7:32 AM, December 15th - and I should be roaming the halls of Marlboro High.
But, since i was up - half the night; I feel... exasperated.

I'm on here, this early because I feel (regardless of whomever is reading)
should be let in on a few details of how I been feeling and looking at things.

I know, i'm not necessarily
-- the. shit.
But, let me first say, when it comes to being there for people-
and making my friends feel complacent - i'm the one to call.
But, how would you feel, if everything you did - never measured up to anything?
How, every little thing - never meant anything?

It's a pain in the ass isn't it?

I'm not mentioning names because then notoriety starts.
But, sometimes I wish, even under the smallest of circumstance
I'd stop being looked at - and falsely accused of having insights, nevertheless this 'persona'
that I always think i'm above everyone else.
- Whereas I, MYSELF, can say it here, or to ones face - i'm not any better than you, your friends, or your family.

I'm not at peace with myself.
I'm done with hearing a persons assumption of me.
-- & YES;
a day or two ago - i was hype that one person honored the way I felt.[the entry below this]
-- & YES;
I love being right, and assuming things can go my way.

But I'm adult enough to comprehend the fact that nothing will ever be handed to me sincerely.
I'm expecting hatred, and utmost covetousness from all of you.
Because GOD FORBID, Samantha should ever have anything work out, right for once.

There's only a small amount of people;
That i give paramount recognition to be called my friends.
I'm tired of being last in line - & then left more behind because someone didn't like something i said-
that nevertheless, was legitimate enough to be said - because I only express the morality of truths.
TRUST - I wouldn't intentionally cuss out, or stress anything knowing it was a 'pressure point'.
But, if worse comes to worse, and the case is serious - i will address it. No hesitation.

I feel it's my DUTY as a so-called 'friend'
to be brutally honest.
I never heard anyone say-
"speak now or forever hold your peace"
when the actual preacher, has something to say.

Also, being I'm just blurting out my constant annoyances.
I'm pissed. I should be in school.
It was 6:45 and my mom walked in my room.
"GET UP- what are you doing? its a quarter to?!"
- and i just looked at her, and her little brown eyes glared back.
and that, is when i ignored everything else she had to say
& fell back, and out to dreamland I headed.
I feel really bad.
REALLY BAD.

-- It's not that i miss so much school.
It's the fact i ignored her innocence.
I love my moms - & i have faith in everything she does.
I just hope, regardless that I shouldn't be at my computer chair right now-
that she has faith in me.

Right now, I'm just in a shitty, peeved mood.
Whatever.

Tags: assumptions, friends, life, peace, school, unfair

Current Mood: pensive

pensive

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12 December 2008 @ 08:59 pm

finally, recognition.

so, finally i'm recognized for more than big bazookas, and multi-colored eyes.

First, let me say - i havent had electricity for 17 hours so i'm pshyced to be on here now :)
I don't know, it was pretty strange - I was at school with Abby in the back ironing a costume for our school musical/drama production;
And then, like 5 seconds later [after someone foolishly, unknowinly mocked some bad luck saying]
the lights in the whole school just . fell out - dismissed themselves.
Me and Abby were nearly clenching onto eachothers chests,
I was feeling around for my coat on the makeup room floor & Abby scrounging for her bag filled with books & h2o.
The school was praising Barack Obama - we we're all the same color.
For once, i felt.... undistinguishing non-racism. & a fear of darkness.

It was fucking freaky.

So, then after that - I went home & 4 hours later
As i was dancing to ''just dance'
the house went .. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzIP .
and outtie- there was no power until about a half hour ago.

But I got on here because-
I ran upstairs back into the light-
& back on my sidekick.
& this chiddo i recently started talking too
called Justin
had hit me up prior to my celebration of electricity.
& his away message was something i wrote.

"& to be quite FRANK about shit --
i don't need to answer any of your messages to get a days-worth of compliments.
my hope&dream is that one day i won't be LONELY.
& if one of you, out of the many fakes.
could EVER change that - i'll be greatful.
realtalk. "

- quoted by my "recent buddy" Sammie.

i nearly shit myself.
This kid, no no - this MAN
quoted me-

I haven't even written on this site because i felt nothing was WORTHY of being expressed.
But understand, even though you probably think im companionless, lonely, and totally insyncratic-
this guy TOTALLY made my day.

Finally, someone understands & recognizes
that i'm more than something physically presented on a silver platter.

& i'm not bragging, to be known.
I'm hype about the fact someone, on this unloving, heartless place we call earth -
understood the REAL meaning.

Like lil wayne sais :

"And I swear to everything, when I leave this Earth
It's gonna be on both feet, never knees in the dirt "

... i'll be damned if my knees ever reach level to my feet.

i'm out, peace.

Current Mood: touched

touched

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